Rules of a Pundit

1. When a poll says something you don't want to have to explain around, adjust it. Multiply the margin of error by two, add or subtract to the actually reported number as desired, and claim, based on expertise as a statistician, actuary, mathematician, or other numbers expert, that you think it's more like that.

Example: "The recent poll by Quargnax shows Bocain ahead by 15 points." "Oh, I think that's more like six or seven, but..."

2. Talking more loudly and interrupting the other person shows that you care. About your argument. Which is right.

Example: "Well, when you look at France and the way it's handled - " "FRANCE WAS HANDLING THINGS GREAT, AND THEY DON'T SHARE A BORDER WITH A MAJOR ... BLAH BLAH BLAH."

3. Don't forget to pluck that personality in the morning! A well-groomed personality acts as a mask if you happen to not know what you're talking about. Every question that puts you out of your depth is a good question, and a smile of condescension.

Example: "So what about those negative power couplings?" "Well, that's a good question. Certainly, smile smile smile, gab gab gab."

4. When you have five seconds left before the host will stop you, talk faster.

Example: "And as for those marriages in California, just-think-of-the-children-and-ask-whether-you'd-want-children-coming-from-that-marriage-because-ewwww!"

5. If it is your distinction in life to have a verbal pause, either make it as quiet or as distinctive as possible.

Example: "The tomatoes are auuuuuughm delicious."

6. Credentials, credentials? Remember that one time you worked under President George H.W. Bush? That makes you more knowledgable about every policy under the moon than 99.99% of Americans.

Example: "I recall when I was working in the white house... they had good chicken strips."

7. Twenty-four hour news means that you're truly needed to make, discuss, and otherwise interpret news. Be like the third stomach of the cow; after the anchors report it, and then discuss it, get ready to receive that cud and digest it out until the fourth stomach, the news summary broadcast, can reduce it to mind-numbing oblivion.

Example: "And of course you've heard about the guy who bought a slushie. I don't think that picking raspberry was a good thing. Especially with that murder that happened twenty feet away."

8. It does good to use some phrase that other people were using, if it's effective.

Example: "And Harry Potter 7 is truly the battle of the hexes." "And then the battle of the hexes." "Har har blah blah battle of the hexes." "And now the battle of the sexes, I mean hexes."