V is for Vittles

Rules for feeding James:

Negative:
1. Condiments are generally not welcome. This includes mustard, ketchup, mayo, and nearly all salad dressings.
1a. If you choose to subject me to condiments anyway, keep them light. Remember, condiments complement. (That's at both fast food chains and the restaurants who think that a salad should be drenched with dressing. No.)
1b. Barbecue sauce and many kinds of marinades are not included. Generally, if it complements a meat, it's okay.
2. Nothing pickled, including pickles. They are unclean.
3. I can't stomach cucumbers. Don't even try.
3a. To a lesser extent, raw tomatoes and olives are objectionable.
4. Cottage cheese is a no.
5. In fact, if the food has more than three substantial ingredients (fruit/vegetable/dairy), then the chances I will enjoy it drop precipitously.
5a. Example: my favorite lunch from when I was a little kid until now is the cheese sandwich. Cheese + bread. Grilling optional. Don't OD on the cheese.
6. Casseroles are, for the most part, unclean. The exception is a breakfast casserole.
7. No coconut. This isn't Gilligan's Island.
8. I can't comprehend Mexican food. On good days I can tolerate it. But I don't choose Mexican out of choice ever. Forgive me.
9. No gravy. If it's necessary (as in goulash), then I'll eat the minimum amount required.

Positive:
1. Bread and meat, done without ornamentation, are already awesome.
1a. Consequently, pizzas should have only meat or mushrooms. Other ingredients are acceptable, provided that negative rule 5 is followed.
2. If a seven year old likes it, chances are that I do. I was one picky little snot when I was seven.
3. If you fix it, and it isn't made of entirely unspeakable ingredients, I will try it.
3a. If it is made of unspeakable ingredients, I will politely decline. Forgive me if my face contorts.
4. Chocolate = yes. Dark chocolate = more yes.
5. Slightly burnt is fine by me. It adds flavor.
6. You needn't fear comparison to my cooking. I can cook meat and vegetables (and the meat, I must admit, is good even if the apartment gets a little smoky each time I make it). I don't make the fancy dishes because I don't have the time.
7. If we're doing fast food, the place had better have chicken tenders/nuggets. Unadorned crispy bits of processed chicken (real chicken? who knows?). Mmmmmmm.
8. I like most sauces, but if I eat my spaghetti plain, I'm enjoying the flavor of pasta unadorned, and not rejecting the sauce.
9. Simplicity is a dish best served to me.

There are more, but that's a start. I really am remorseful that my tongue is so picky. It's not me being intentionally difficult. I really can't bear the taste of the things I list. When I have a decent-sized space, I'd like to hold a dinner party for people... my first, since I've never had the space before. I'm most remorseful because the pickiness affects the company just as much as the food. So, in advance, I apologize.