Being a Vampire Is Serious Business

Perhaps I'm a big old party pooper, but here are the rules of vampirism, as I interpret them.

1. You can't go out in daylight. It's forbidden. You get dusted if you do. That is, you turn into dust, and then a matronly old street sweeper sweeps you up.
 2. Sure, you have powers of compulsion, and grave charisma, but that doesn't make you unspeakably beautiful, handsome, or sparkly. It's edgier than that, for lack of a better term. You're the beauty we dare not call beautiful, but are drawn to nonetheless.
3. You thirst for blood. Human blood. How you get it is your concern, but there you go. Human. That other stuff just doesn't cut it.
4. Perhaps the most important thing. You're soulless. There is a hole within you, but no whole. You can desire, but you cannot love. Or, put another way, you can approximate love, but that is a love that is never satisfied, that always needs more. There is no contentment, in other words. It's not that I think a vampire is a heartless human being. A vampire isn't a human being and is heartless from the start. It can even care for others, but it cannot do the whole undying love thing. In that sense, it's sort of like Data.
5. Because of that lack, there is desire, but it can never be filled. So you feed.
6. Never cook with garlic.
7. Stay away from wooden stakes.
8. Sucking blood is partly a euphemism for sex. Both will probably go on. But bleeding out the carotid artery is not hot.
9. You can turn into a bat! For all your prettiness and allure, remember that you are akin to one of the goofiest looking animals out there.